Food poisoning – Failed attempt number 1

I have a sensitive stomach. I can´t always eat spicy food as well, as the consequence usually is  “arse spewing mayem” as Malcolm Tucker says In the Loop. However despite its sensitivity, my stomach is quite resilient. On all my travels I never caught any bad stomach bugs, that even includes eating things in Beijing I´m still not sure whether they were meat or produce. However the stomach that could, proved itself quite resilient once again that I can´t even get Salmonella properly! Let me explain:

On Wednesday night, I got home after dinner and started getting very bad headaches. The next morning the headache called its friend sore throat and aching body. I don´t get sick that often, so when I do I tend to get worried, but never worried enough to go to the doctor, usually over the counter medicine does the trick. However, the inconvenient threat of Malaria and death, made me think twice about skipping the doctor. Before going to the doctor, I decided to see the doctors at the site clinic to see what they thought. I arrive and not a white coat or stethoscope to be seen… I ask reception and they inform me that the doctor is in hospital on suspicion of having Malaria. My first thought “If the doctor has it, then I´m done for! Take me to the hospital!!”

I head straight to the clinic and ask for the doctor to see me. I sit on the uncomfortable chair and tell Doctor Personality my symptoms. I say doctor personality because as soon as I walked in he complained about there being too much patients and he had things to do… Anyway, he says he wants to look at my throat. He grabs a torch (Yes, a torch!) and not a small one, but an industrial torch the size of my head, shoves one of those ice cream sticks down my throat and “EIIIIIIIIIIIII! Tá muito male!!” (Ohhhhh! It´s very bad!)

He says he thinks it’s a flu, but want to test my blood for Malaria! Happy thoughts… I go downstairs and get my blood drawn by a nurse so frail and thin that some powerful flatulence might knock her over! “Volta em uma hora para ver ser têm Malaria” (Come back in an hour to see if you have Malaria!) the receptionist says while smiling broadly… Sensitivity fail, but oh well. An hour later I´m back wondering about what I´ll do during my impending hospitalization.

Cue Doctor I-speak-fast-to-understood. I make out that I don´t have Malaria, but I´ve the beginnings of Salmonella. Apparently I´m lucky because I went to the doctor as soon as I felt ill, which meant that I would be skipping, the “arse spewing mayem”, severe stomach cramps and projectile vomit. Much relieved I take the medicine he gives and head back to work.

Oh Salmonella! You´re first attempt to claim me has failed!

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